hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
