oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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