I faked an abortion last night.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
