Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
