i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
