I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
