I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
