At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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