I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
