piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
