the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
