Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
