I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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