I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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