Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
