Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
