Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
