I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
