my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
