That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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