***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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