where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
