Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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