i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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