My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
