Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
