I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
