Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
