My sheets look like a crime scene.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
