I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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