apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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