I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
