i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
