my phone needs a breathalizer
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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