Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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