It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
