you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
