Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
