You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
