you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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