peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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