my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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