I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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