Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
