Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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