I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
