I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
