I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
