He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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