If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Panties = found
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
