Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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