totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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